You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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