You're my little dorito
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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