I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I think I am morally bankrupt
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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