she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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