I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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