the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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