Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize