Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
BRING THE BAGELS
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
