my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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