I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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