OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
