Farmville is her only friend.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
