I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
