My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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