she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
