i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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