she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
