Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
