his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
