If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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