Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
