I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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