also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
