I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
