peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
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