i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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