apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
