I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
