If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize