I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
