My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
