Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize