you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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