i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
