The maid of honor just puked.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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