I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
