Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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