I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
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