if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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