What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
...so i touched it.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
