A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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