I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
