Who did Billy Mays play for?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
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