dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
