Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
