If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
