i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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