who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize