I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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