when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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