so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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