I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize