and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
