She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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