If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
