Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
