Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Randomize