I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
