Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize