I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
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