My liver just broke up with me...
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Randomize
