I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
