she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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