idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
